The Hallmark Card:
To My Father on This Special Day:
I can’t tell you how much your undying love, guidance and support has not meant to me over the last 28 years. Every step of the way that you have not been there has brought me the greatest joy. Not growing up with you truly prepared me for a world full of men presumably very much like yourself, whose delicate psyches and various ego-related hang-ups it has never occurred to me to waste my time attempting to soothe with my womanly touch. A world without you is exactly the kind of world I remain perfectly happy to continue to inhabit.
The singing card:
Hey Dad! I haven’t met you, and this is crazy! But I have some questions about my medical history (like potential allergies and stuff), so call me maybe!
The Blank-inside card:
It’s me! Your, um, daughter. haha! (Remember that one night? I guess it would have been in like…April. 1985.) Anyway. I hear you have TEN siblings! When I was a kid I thought that was awesome. I always fantasized about being Lindsay Lohan or Haley Mills from the Parent Trap and meeting my long-lost twin, or at least a cool cousin. But now I’m almost 30. (Time flies, ammiright?!) And I would greatly appreciate it if you could send me a list of the full names of all your brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and other illegitimate children so that I may be sure to swipe left if I see any of them on Tinder. Thanks in advance. Take care!
PS: You can send the list to the return address on the envelope. If I forget to use a return address (a common mistake!), you can just drop it off with my mom. She’s at 38 Maple Leaf Road in Golden Valley. She’s really happy. And hot.
The letter, brought to you by the writers of Mama Mia:
Please take a moment to bend your mind to the remembrance of a lovely girl named Annie, whom you met some 28 years ago. Hair the color of chestnuts. Bearing a strong resemblance to Mary Crawley from Downton Abbey. Do you watch that show? I would so love to sit down by a nice fire and discuss our literary and televisual preferences someday. I have so missed doing these things with you. But I digress. I have something very important to tell you…This is so difficult to say. Even to write… You see, I am sending you a card in honor of this important national holiday, and addressing you as “Father,” because I am Annie’s daughter. I will remind you outright now, though if you recall everything properly you may have already guessed: this makes me your daughter as well. It is a great weight upon my heart that we have been denied the opportunity even to meet, much less engage in all of the precious father-daughter activities that would certainly have shaped my life in so many invaluable ways, these 28 years. I may as well tell you now that I am considering a variety of convoluted plots to bring us together – and most importantly, to bring you back to my dear mother, who has been, despite her best efforts to maintain a veneer of happiness, quite miserable without the beloved father of her child these many, many moons. If you would just agree right now to bring our broken family back together post haste, all will be well and good in the world. If not, I am afraid I will have to activate Plot A, and as many subsequent plots as may be necessary to restore light to our darkened lives. I do so hope to be united soon.
Happy Father’s Day!
Dad, you’re the best. By which I mean, if you had been around, it could only have been worse!
The little card that comes with the flowers:
Happy Father’s Day, Mom!! I just wanted to tell you that I feel so grateful for every moment of our life together and so proud of our invincible little family of two. (#PowerCouple!) Thank you so much for all those times during my childhood when you fixed the toilet, vanquished the giant spiders that terrorized my clubhouse above the garage, and let me ride my bike wherever I wanted. Thank you for all the times, to this day, that you have listened to me pour my heart out over the phone, sympathized with my puerile romantic misadventures, and refrained from calling me on at least half the occasions when you genuinely feared for my life because I had not posted on facebook for a day and a half. You have always been cooler than the coolest dad. I love you.